|
[23 Jun 2008|12:32am] |
Tomorrow I start summer school, and I have never felt so optimistic. This is the sort of optimism that only comes after one gets a sense that very terrible feelings won't roll one over anymore.
So tomorrow I will go back into the world, and I will be streamlined. As my good friend Ogre once said, I will rot and assimilate.
Ogre is not my friend. I do not know him. I hope he doesn't sue me for jokingly claiming we're associated. Just so you know.
I broke up with my girlfriend. We were together for almost two and a half years. We lived together. I smelled all of her smells, inspected every inch of her body, and was (and am) completely, madly in love with her. Oh man.
It was a mutual. At this point in our lives, it would be better for the both of us if were were alone. The next few years will be formative for me, and I think the only way to make myself fully receptive to that is by myself. She is trying to figure out her future: graduate school, her career, applying for Juilliard. That too would be a lot simpler if she weren't in a relationship.
What made it so difficult was the fact that there was nothing 'wrong'. It was a matter of timing. If we could pause our relationship, go live for a few more years, then come back to each other, we would do that.
But we couldn't, so we broke up and I moved out.
Since then, I've felt totally removed from the world. If you could, in one strain of the mind think about everything in the world, I would not be part of that thought.
An entire section of myself went missing. A whole frame of reference, state of mind, I don't even know what to call it, was no longer valid, it was irrelevant. It didn't matter if I, in the course of thought, formed something funny to say in the manner of funny things I'd been saying to her for the past two years, because I would never say them to her.
and it wasn't that I wouldn't be saying them to her! it was that I was pointed in the direction of certain thoughts, and a certain kind of thinking, by a pointer that didn't exist anymore. I don't know if that makes sense.
It did (and does) not help that I'm living at home, with my parents, albeit in the basement. My isolation in the one sense is now compounded by geographical isolation. East Oakland is far from downtown Berkeley (everything I do is in downtown Berkeley). One of the permanent aspects of my character is that I am uncomfortable if I'm far from something, disconnected from it, both.
I feel far from the place where I live my life, and disconnected from the world where this living is supposedly taking place.
Maybe everyone's character is like that? Probably. But it's really important to me.
Thats why I really like the television. I don't decide what's on the television, other people do. When its on I am reminded that the world exists, and that I am part of it. It lets me know people are out there, outside of me.
Towards the beginning, on my home from work, I was waiting for the bus that would take me to our apartment and didn't realize it for a while. That was not a good time.
After the worst was over, I began to feel better, I even began to fancy this girl at work.
did I just say fancy? I guess I did. Shit.
several minutes into our first conversation, she mentioned her boyfriend (fuck!) I was still with my girlfriend at the time, but (fuck!) anyway!
Yesterday, I saw this girl at work (we're co-workers) with her (gasp) boyfriend. When I saw him, standing there, made of flesh and not just of her words and my subsequent thoughts, it was quite a blow. Why would that be the case?
because of this girl, or rather what she represents. She was (and kind of still is, but not as much, because I saw her goddamn boyfriend) my re-entry into the world! Whatever would happen with her, it would be to some degree my re-insertion into things.
We kind of have very loose plans for a 15 minute break-date tomorrow. I mean date in the very restricted sense. I don't care about trying to attract her anymore, I just want get to know her. I think we have quite a few things in common! and part of my triumphant re-entry into the world is making new friends, because I have about one at the moment.
That is a hell of a thing. friends. when I was with Shauna, she and Bubba were the only two non-family people I would speak to on any regular kind of basis. and it was perfect. making friends takes time and effort, neither of which I wanted to or could contribute. but now that she is gone, and he is engaged, I am pretty much kept company by myself. this is alright, but I like to be around people, and I want to spend time with them. so we'll see how this work girl thing plays out. her name is Adrienne, for future reference.
After the worst was over, I began to feel better, until she came into work to see a mutual friend of ours, and I ran into her.
I became really really upset. I could hold it in in front her, if I broke down there, she would probably do the same, and that would not be fashionable.
Actually, I ran into Shauna and saw Adrienne and her boyfriend on the same day, about 7 minutes apart. So yesterday was an awesome day, basically.
but all of this has passed, and I am happy about that. Tomorrow I start summer school, and I have never felt so optimistic.
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
soapandstars's Friends Page